That awful night
When No Isn't Enough

I remember the night: a cool October evening during my junior year of high school. I was excited because my friend Cathy and I had blind dates with some popular guys from another area high school. They picked us up, introduced themselves, and right away pulled out the beer.

I was used to partying a little, so it didn't bother me too much. We drove around drinking for a while then Ty (my date) started kissing me in the backseat. No big deal - making out was fun. Next thing I knew we were at someone's house. (I didn't and still don't know whose house it was.) Ty ushered me into a back room where we continued our make-out session. He wanted to go "all the way." I said "no" that I was a virgin. He didn't pressure me. He just kept moving ahead, ignoring my "no's," assuming we would "go all the way" as if I didn't mean it when I said "no." He was big, and I was little. He got what he wanted, and I lost something I never intended to lose.

I don't remember much more that night except going into the bathroom and sitting there feeling horrible regret and disbelief. The next morning, I took a shower so I could cry. I went for a long walk feeling numb and empty. I wish I had understood God's love for me and his forgiveness that day, but I didn't. I continued to live with the guilt and regret of that night, and it had serious consequences for my future.

About 8 months later, I met a great guy. Jim was to become my "first love." We started dating and quickly knew we wanted to be committed to each other. A month into the relationship, we decided to have sex. I thought, "Why not? I'm not a virgin anymore. I love Jim." I was still living with the guilt of that night! We dated my whole senior year and then broke up right before I went to college.

It was during my freshman year of college that I realized that I'd been "date raped". I was taking an "Introduction to Psychology" class and had volunteered for an after class experiment. As I sat in that classroom that evening, they began talking about date rape and for the first time, I had a name for what I had experienced.

You would think this new knowledge would have been the beginning of my freedom from guilt, but it wasn't. I now had someone to blame, a way to deny the guilt I still felt. Underneath I still had to acknowledge that I wasn't completely innocent in the whole thing. I had been fooling around with a guy I didn't even know. Ultimately, I felt stupid and naive to have gotten myself in that situation. That didn't make me feel very good about myself.

I found myself justifying my actions by rewriting the events of that night. I began to tell myself and my friends that I had tried to fight him off more than I did, and that he had planned the rape before we went out. I would tell myself anything to try to ease the guilt I still felt, even though people kept telling me it wasn't my fault.

All during this time (my freshman year), I was struggling in my relationships with guys. I would go on dates and end up in bed with them. I kept telling myself that I wouldn't do that anymore, but yet I couldn't seem to stop. When I was in the situation, the same thing would play through my mind, "What's one more time? It doesn't matter. I'm not a virgin anyway." After every guy, I would feel worse about myself.

The summer after my freshman year, I met a guy unlike any I'd ever known. Jeff said he was a Christian. He asked me out and we would always have a great time. He was considerate and would plan fun things for us to do. Most importantly, he never tried anything sexual with me. I sensed in him a love and joy that was very appealing.

I went back to college that fall and continued in my pattern of promiscuity. I just couldn't seem to stop. But, as I continued, I became more and more disgusted with myself. I tried to clean up my act, but I still felt full of guilt and shame.

I called Jeff one night and told him I wanted what he had: peace, joy, and love. And he gave me the answer! He told me that I could never experience these things until I trusted God and allowed Him to be the center of my life. I had grown up going to church hearing that Jesus Christ had died on the cross to forgive my sins. But, somehow, I had never connected what that meant to me personally - that God loved me and wanted me to have His forgiveness, but that I must believe that He has forgiven me based on Jesus' death for me. I realized that night that all of my attempts to ignore my sin and try to become a better person just wouldn't stand up before God. I got off the phone and said a simple prayer. "God, I've blown it. I don't want to live life my way anymore. I want to live it your way. Thank you for your forgiveness."

Nothing appeared to change immediately after I said that prayer, but over the next few weeks, God confirmed his presence in my life. I actually felt his forgiveness; I had the sense of starting over. A verse in the Bible stuck out to me: "If any man is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come." (II Corinthians 5:17)

I began to experience God's love and plan for me as I saw him orchestrating events and placing people in my life that would have positive influence on me. I also began to handle myself differently with guys. My view of myself began to change. As I experienced God's love, I began to love myself. I began to acknowledge my value to God and had respect for myself.

I have been a Christian for 11 years now. The rape seems so long ago, almost unreal. When I tell people what my life used to be like, they say they never would have known because of the purity and peace of my life now. The rape was the beginning of the downward spiral of guilt in my life, but God has stopped that spiral and brought me up out of it. He has shown me His love, forgiveness, and power.

God has been healing the hurts and scars in my life. And He is using me to help others who have the same types of pain. In so doing, God showed me that He could take the worst things and bring good from them.

Is this where you are? Does this hit home?

Would you like to begin this type of relationship with God? You can, anyone can.

Knowing God